Quote for the night.
- Q: Why do you always feel like the whole world is against you?
- A: because even though the whole world isn't against me, I'm against myself.
Day 8: What are 5 passions you have?
- Academics - Although I always complain about my homework, classes, and school activities, I love learning. It’s a way to improve myself that I’m in charge of. I love learning. I love teaching. Academically, I love to challenge myself which is why I take AP and Honors classes when I could fly straight through CP classes with A’s every year. I like the challenge.
- Being a leader - Might not sound like a passion, but it is to me. I used to be so shy and just not open. I’ve learned something about myself. I like leading. Whenever I’m in a group, I want to be the one that’s helping everyone else out, the one explaining what’s going on, the one with the game plan. I like being called out as a leader that helps others.
Day 7: What is your dream job, and why?
Veterinarian. It has taken me years to finally be able to say that I want to be a veterinarian but it’s true. It has been for years. Although I don’t have any pets, I think I’m allergic to cats, and don’t have much experience at animal shelters or vet practices, I love being around animals. I don’t know if this profession is the best for me, but it’s the one that I’ve been dreaming of for awhile. I’ve been looking into majors, colleges, and grad schools lately for veterinary practices. One of my biggest dreams is to one day own my own vet practice :)
Day 6: What is the hardest thing you have ever experienced?
I want to say my ‘break up’ from 2 summers ago, but I think it was confronting my mom. I wanted so desperately for her to understand who I am, where I’m coming from, that I’m not little anymore and her restraints on me are killing me. I wanted to talk to her like a friend rather than talk to her like she’s my mom. I cried so hard after talking on the phone with her. Because after everything, all the harsh words, all the flashbacks, all the hurt gasps, we didn’t get to the point of acceptance. Sure we understood where the other person was coming from but that was all. There was no ‘yeah okay. I understand and I want to let you grow.’ That hurt me so much & all I could do was cry and cry and cry. And eventually, move on when my tears were done.
Day 5: What are the 5 things that make you most happy right now?
- Christmas movies
- it’s finally beanie season
- getting to go to sleep right now
- I finished my physics hw (thank the Lord!)
- GETTING A NEW GUITAR!!!
Day 4: List 10 things you would tell your 16 year old self, if you could.
Awks..I’m 16 right now. Oh well.
- Stop freaking procrastinating.
- Be more patient towards mom & dad.
- Learn to save money.
- Start looking into colleges now.
- Make some time to read.
- Learn to say ‘no’ or you’ll stress yourself out with responsibilities and obligations.
- Don’t talk to guys this year LOL.
- You’re awesome. Stay awesome.
- Pick up on your guitar skills.
- Love without restrictions.
Day 3: Describe your relationship with your parents
I wish we were closer. With my mom, we are close to a certain extent. I don’t really tell her about my day or how I feel. I tell her about my grades, my plans, and ask her how she’s doing. But I’ve tried and tried to get her to understand me and we’re still at the first level. By now, I’ve given up on trying to get on that deep level with my mom because I just end up hurt and in tears. But I love her to death and a little part of me is holding onto hope. As for my dad, I’ve never been close to my dad like that. We have petty conversations about cars, items, and plans. I don’t know if I’ll ever get close to my dad, but he is patient and understanding towards me and I love that. Sometimes, I wish I could be like him.To be patient, that would be amazing. I just hope that one day I will be able to understand my parents better and have them understand me.
Day 2: Describe 3 legitimate fears you have and explain how they became fears
Losing a family member.
I’ve always been afraid of death, but not really my own death. I’m scared of losing my mom, my dad, my sister. I’ve grown up without 3 of my 4 grandparents and it didn’t affect me much because I never knew them. My immediate family means so much to me and I’m afraid of losing them. When I was younger, I would think about what my life would be without my mom, my dad, my sister. I don’t know what I would do. I’d be devastated. My mom got into a number of car accidents last year and I was so freaking scared. Late night when she was getting home for choir, it was raining and she swerved and lost control of the car. We got a call from her saying she got into an accident and at first I was just scared out of my mind, but then I thought, she called. Not the ambulance or a stranger. She called us herself. These experiences and thoughts scare me
In the sense of someone getting amnesia and forgetting who I am completely and the simple concept of drifting apart from someone. At times I feel as if I am insignificant in other people’s lives and I don’t want to be forgotten. I want to be remembered. I don’t just wanna be ‘that girl that I used to talk to’. I’m afraid that I’m gonna be forgotten and I didn’t make an impact in someone’s life.
Never being good enough.
I’ve always had this notion in my mind that I will neverbe good enough for anyone, including myself. I’m constantly striving to exceed other people’s expectations of me and I feel that I will never be able to do so. I also feel that I can never reach my own expectations. I don’t want to lower my own expectations, but I don’t know if I am able to be the best that I can be. I wish.
December 1st, 2013 - Hillsong Service
Today we (me, Cosine, Chi Linh, Nancy, Jayro, Don, May, and Chi An) went to the Hillsong service in Montclair, NJ. I didn’t know what to expect at first. When we drove up, I noticed something immediately. They were all so friendly. I wasn’t sure if it was people in North Jersey or if it was Hillsong, it was Hillsong haha. We talked to a few of the people there and I forget his name, but this guy was talking to us about a youth track he leads and it sounded really interesting to meet other people that wanted to just bask in God’s glory. They started the service with a few songs by the worship team. It sounded great. At first, I wasn’t sure what to do, but I eventually found my hands/arms just kind of taking over. I wasn’t lifting them all the way up, but they were lifted. I felt the passion from each lyric they sang, each note they played, each word they spoke. It was amazing. When Pastor Carl took over, I was blown away. It reminded me of when I went to Lakewood Church because it was just preaching. There was no protocol to follow and it was just free worship. There were a lot of key points that he made that struck me. Here are a few:
"You thought you lost, but Jesus already won it all."
"A church in the wild chooses the power of God over the process of religion. We follow the path of the Holy Spirit."
"We are not married to a method, we are married to the message of Jesus Christ."
"John 3:16 For He so loved the world… He loves us. He decided to love us knowing our flaws, the mistakes we’ve made and will make. He still loves us."
"Make the religious people mutter, and the non-believers stutter."
Pastor Carl was just so inspirational. Not just because of his preaching, but because of his experiences and his personality. Yeah someone could preach for an hour & people could get nothing out of it. With Hillsong, they preach but they crack jokes, they share personal experiences they’ve gone through, they make it relatable. But they also praise God. It was so intense at some parts, but even at those parts, I could understand exactly what he meant by it.
He preached and we sang the chorus and bridges of some songs and I just felt more alive each time. I was just grasping the concept that God loves me. With all my fatal flaws, with all of my mistakes, my self-hatred, my doubts. He always loves me and He always will, even when I can’t. That’s amazing. My Hillsong experience has just been enhanced.