April 5th, 2014 - Life in Color 2014
What a busy, busy, busy day. In the morning, it was RETREAT day! The second retreat I’ve helped plan so far. I was in charge of the icebreaker because that was the only time I had. The icebreaker actually went okay, but the supplies to get was akjgl;aklf;dsaf. I ended up asking a good number of my friends for their toasters and extension cords. I ended up with 6 toasters at my house the day before the retreat haha. I actually really wanted to see this retreat through because we were able to plan it better this time around, but I had to leave by 2:30 so I don’t know how the rest of the retreat went.
LIFE IN COLOR. Gah! I was pretty iffy about going or not when I found out the retreat was on the same day. But I already bought my ticket before I found out the date of the retreat. Honestly, I didn’t know what to wear at all cause it was cold, but like body warmth should have kept me warm right? Kimberly picked me up from church at around 2:30PM so I got home and got ready to go. Long, Time, and Canlas came over our house and Long drove us over to Philly to pick up his friends that were also going, Donald and Jenny. Pretty chill people. We went to go eat first and then headed over to Festival Pier for LIC. Parking was so much of a hassle because everywhere was either like $20 parking or it was really far. We were all pretty psyched for LIC and I was looking forward to it by this time. When we got to the entrance, they didn’t even check ID so it was kinda weird. It was laready a 16+ event, which is on the young side.
At first, we were all just kinda awkwardly standing there because they didn’t start yet. When TJR came on, we tried to get our way to center middle. We made it, but it was so packed! Everyone was within about half a foot of another person if not directly touching them. Long and Donald were looking out for the girls for most of the night. Such sweet guys, really. Donald looked out for his La Salle girls and Long looked out for me and Kimberly so that no strange guys were trying to make any moves. The paint blast was a lot of fun, but omg, it was so cold. We were all packed tight, so it wasn’t TOO cold yet. Long got into a confrontation with this guy in front of him that kept pushing him back and instead of fighting the guy, we kinda just moved to the back. Also, because it was super tight up front. So Jenny, Long, me, and Kimberly moved to the back of the crowd and it was super cold in the back, but more roomy. By this time it was about 9PM. Long got into another confrontation. This guy was completely drunk and really got into Long’s face for no reason because Long was trying to stop him from getting into another guy’s face and so the guy got all up in Long’s face. Jenny stepped between them and I held one of Long’s arms and Kimberly had the other. I felt the tension in his arm and hand and he really was ready to fight the guy. Another guy helped us out and Long went to the bathroom to punch the wall, instead of punching the guy.
We stayed for a little bit more after that, but it started getting cold so we walked/ran back to the car and drove to Chinatown for some bubble tea. It was around 11 by this time. When we left Tea Do, we drove Donald and Jenny back to La Salle. On the car ride back to La Salle, Jenny asked if we all went to Rutgers and I thought it was funny because I wasn’t even in college yet, but she thought I fit in with them haha. We got back to Jersey at around 12ish and all showered haha. Great night, first rave, fun experience. Here’s a before shot!
March 28th, 2014 - DeVry & Into the Woods
I had a pretty packed day. I took part in DeVry University’s HerWorld convention. The convention had a bunch of guest speakers. The women were CEOs, business consultants, engineers and they all explained how they were not always welcomed and they had no idea they would be where they were at, but they’re all successful now. They gave us advice about choosing our passions and networking. We ended up having an hour for a Wind Power Project. Each table had to build 2-3 windmills, depending on the amount of people at the table. My table had to build 3 and we were given instructions, roles, parts, and questions. I really liked how interactive it was and it was a competition between all the tables and different schools. My table actually did really well, but our last capacitor wasn’t working so we didn’t win, but it was a lot of fun. The people were so welcoming and it was awesome to see all the girls from different schools interested in STEM and how different everyone was. Definitely a great experience.
I went home and tried to start my lesson plan before I went to my school to watch our production of Into the Woods. It was so good. I saw about 85% of the first act beforehand already, but I could tell that they were much more prepared today. I was so happy to see my friends on stage performing while having friends sitting around me supporting those friends. So proud of all of the performers. The show was great and I had a fun time with my girlsss. We stayed later to wait for the cast and we ended up congratulating them and taking a bunch of pictures. Really nice and fun day for me :)
my family is falling apart.. and so am I.
When I was little I didn’t really take Lent that seriously because it was kind of just a time where I could still do whatever and we’d get donation boxes from CCD. When I was a pre-teen, I had to give up meat on Fridays, donation box, and choose something to give up. Back in those days, I generally chose something simple, like gum or candy. I chose things that weren’t super important to me and I knew I’d be able to do without them without dying. In the past few years, I’ve really started to take into consideration what Lent is all about. Maybe youth group has made me think differently, maybe it’s just me. I’ve been sacrificing things that are kind of/pretty hard for me in the past years.
One year, I did the H2O project where I only drank water for the entire duration of Lent. Another year, I listened to only Christian music during Lent. Last year, I gave up fast food. And this year, I gave up eating between meals. I.e. snacking, small pieces of food, etc. This year is hands down the most difficult challenge for me. I’m not necessarily accustomed to snacking, but I don’t just eat meals throughout the day. I would have some grapes here and there, a piece of candy, some crackers. With this year’s challenge I don’t allow myself to do that. My personal policy/restriction towards the challenge is that I have to make a conscious decision on what to eat before I eat a meal. I can’t just finish a meal and say, “Oh I’m still hungry. Let me eat half this sandwich.” I have to decide what I am eating before I eat the meal and stick to that. Part of this year’s challenge is to eat healthier as well. I’ve started to pack my lunch to school so that I get to control what goes in my body and how healthy it is, which I’m digging. The thing with each Lenten challenge is that I need to discipline myself. It’s a true test of discipline for me this year especially. I’m constantly battling to keep myself in check so that I don’t eat between meals. I made cake pops and cupcakes the other day with Cosine and I had to restrict myself from eating any of it. People offer me their food all the time, sometimes forgetting about my challenge, and I have to deny it. It’s not something that is easily controlled like not eating candy when there’s no candy around. There’s always temptations, but I have to have the restraint and discipline to stop myself in order to better myself.
I’ve been doing really well though. I’m so happy with this challenge. Although it’s super duper difficult because it’s easy to just eat a snack randomly and forget about it, it helps me eat healthier and discipline myself to say no. :) The battle is tough, but in the end, it’s so worth it.
Sudden Bursts of Optimism.
I consider myself a realist. Not optimistic, but not quite pessimistic. I like to face reality. I don’t wanna think about the positive because it could lead to disappointment, but I’m not completely a debbie downer. I just lay out my options and the outcomes, but sometimes, I get sudden bursts of optimism. I start thinking about the bright side. Like this week for instance, I have HSPA and SATs, but what I’m looking forward to is Spring. The warmth of spring, the school events in May when we’re basically free. And that’s what drives me. Looking forward to the sudden bursts of optimism.
Fuck. I am stuck in the past. And I don’t know how to move on. Every single thing serves as a reminder.
I’m so caught up with my own issues and necessities that I constantly forget the sacrifices that my mom has made for me. She loves me so much and she has sacrificed her own happiness and freedom to raise and take care of me. I always feel like she’s bugging me about everything, but she only asks about me all the time because she cares. My mom makes sure that I’m always provided for and she asks where I am because she wants to make sure that I’m safe and not in harm’s way. She loves me so much and I’m so mean to her. In the past few months especially, I’ve started to talk to my mom a lot more, care for her, ask her how she’s doing and all. It’s crazy because I’ll forget to do it sometimes, but she never does. I haven’t gone one day without my mom asking how I was or something of that extent. She’s always there for me even when I feel alone. It breaks my heart to know how much I’ve hurt her when all she’s ever done was love me. I’m so sorry, Mom.
I miss my best friend. I’m tired of being angry or sad. I’m tired of barely acknowledging each other. I’m tired of holding my feelings in. I’m just tired. I miss our random dates. I miss chilling with her. I miss our friendship. I’m willing to put myself out in the cold if we can get our friendship back. That’s all I want.